The first time I drove a car was in the mid 1970’s on some less-traveled road outside of Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. I was with my best-friend, Deanne, and her mother, Cheryl. At that time, Puerto Vallarta was a quaint fraction of what it is today. Cheryl had been a young mother, so this trip was more girls-on-holiday than a formal family vacation, nothing wild, but fruity, liquor drinks with umbrellas were allowed. I was around seventeen.
When Cheryl asked if I wanted to drive our rented Volkswagen Thing for awhile, I said, “Sure!” I had always been an observant passenger; I was clear about the steering wheel, accelerator, break, turning signal, and rear view mirror. No big deal. We were moving down the road at a reasonable clip; I was relaxed and doing fine.
The only scary moment occurred when Cheryl asked me how I had learned to drive.
“What do you mean?” I replied.
“I mean who taught you? When did you start?”
“Cheryl, right now. This is my first time driving.”
“What!? Holy Shit! Pull over!”
She was so freaked-out, I started freaking. Nobody had been killed. We hadn’t ended up in a ditch. All the fenders were intact. Cheryl had been perfectly at ease until she learned I was a beginner.
This experience is remarkably similar to my initiation into writing. I, sort-of, do O.K. until somebody with more practice screeches, “Stop right there. You can’t just start writing. You must be taught the rules. There’s grammar and punctuation, metaphor and simile, climax, dénouement, plot and character development. The rules for god sake, the rules!” I get all self-conscious and nervous when that happens. My little creative flame sputters as if someone has just spit-sprayed all over it. I’m much better off with guides who stay calm and assure me that I’m doing just fine, “Keep going. You’ll get there. You’re doing great.”
In the March/April issue of Writer’s Digest, in the MFA Insider section, is an interview with Leslie Epstein, an author of 10 novels and director of the Creative Writing Program at Boston University for over 30 years. For twenty years he’s been compiling a list of don’ts for his students. He calls them “tips.”
While some of his pointers have merit, it’s his overall cynical tone that makes me crazy. What a spirit-killer. Hoping he was simply making fun of heavy-handed critics, I was corrected. He says, “ You may think, owing to certain tonal qualities, that my tongue is oft in my cheek or that I strew the occasional grain of salt. You would be wrong. I mean every word.”
His constantly growing file of student’s literary blunders reads like a big joke, but only he (I would hope) is laughing. In this article “Tips for Writing and for Life,” Epstein comes across as a modern day Polonius. “Spell all right as I have here (not alright).” “Don’t pronounce the final e in forte…” “Avoid ellipses…” “Do not say…” His opinion of the wisest statement ever made about creative writing is “A real poet does not say azure. A real poet says blue,” from Elsa Lasker-Schuler. That’s the wisest? “…avoid large abstract nouns…” “…avoid stories about old people on the verge of death or mad people or children. (I might add that clowns, dwarves, mimes and people wearing masks should be abjured as well. Nor am I a fan of wind chimes.)” “Do not write satire.”
And this line of thought would have my novel, Pearls My Mother Wore, dead on arrival; “It is important to avoid insofar as possible writing from subjective points of view — that is, writing about people’s feelings, their thoughts, and above all about their memories and dreams. (To put it another way, do not write like Virginia Woolf.)”
I thought I was driving just fine. Stop the car. I need some air. Did someone just spit-spray?
P.S. to the blog – I just sent this bit of writing to the Reader Mail at Writer’s Digest. I let you know if they print any of it. Hope, hope.
I’ll write again next Friday, all willing.
P. S.S. Hey, how cool is this? I just got a reply from Writer’s Digest.
Thank you, Terry.
Your blog post is eloquent, and while it may not be what Leslie Epstein would like, I prefer to believe that most, if not all, writing rules were made to be broken. Or, to quote Pirates of the Carribean: “They’re more like guidelines, anyway.”
Best wishes,
Vanessa
www.writersdigestshop.com
Terry – Good story – about learning to drive. That will stick in my head, for sure. I agree with you about the writing tips. How irritating. This is a common attitude at the University here and why I had no interest in their writing program. It wold have silenced any little voice I may have tried to nurture in myself. You often hear it said to write first, edit later. This guy is editing you before you even start.
I say: take the wheel. Ask questions later. I admire your spirit. By the way, how’s the new book coming?
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